December 6, 2014
"Are you getting along with the Mallorys?"
Dr. Isakai, the pediatric psychiatrist - what this man styles himself as - is quick to note that although he specializes in young patients, he sees plenty of teenagers and even people in their early 20s as well. This does not make you feel any more at ease in an office with teddy bears on the wall trim.
It's your third session, and so far your tactic of not saying anything at all has been a bust. He's threatening to end your sessions entirely if you don't speak up, which would put you in a bigger world of shit than you're already facing.
You shrug. "The Mallorys are fine."
"How about your cousin - Rose, was it?"
"Once removed," you mumble.
"Pardon?"
"She's my first cousin once removed. Not my cousin."
"Is that important to you, that distinction? Why?"
You roll your eyes, shift in your seat. "Don't make this something more than it is. I care to the extent that I care about the truth. I wouldn't call her my sister or my second cousin either. Because she isn't. She's my first cousin once removed."
Dr. Isakai makes a note of this. "I have a great aunt who I'm very close to," he says, looking up from his notepad. "I see her every once in a while, we keep in touch - she was a big part of my life growing up. I just call her Aunt Mimi. Not Great Aunt Mimi."
"That's very nice for you," you say. "I can't help whether or not you're precise in how you use your language. But I am."
"Do you think maybe you're trying to push the Mallorys away?" He asks. "Are you trying to keep yourself from getting too close to Rose, by denying that she's your cousin?"
This asshole really doesn't know what he's talking about. But to placate him, you make a show of pretending to come to a realization. You mug for him, nod. "You know, maybe you're right. I just... I can't accept the Mallorys are family. That's it. You got it."
"Why not?"
"Why not?" You repeat. "I don't know these people. I had no idea until a few months ago that the Mallorys existed, nevermind that I'm related to them. I guess technically I was Rose's classmate for a year, but we hardly even crossed paths before my parents-- now I have to live with them? It's like they're from a different world, practically. It's hard to think of them as family."
Even though you were putting on an act for Dr. Isakai to appear more agreeable, the more you talk, the truer your own words ring to you.
"Yet they're treating you like family. Are they not?"
"Yeah, but..." You trail off.
Dr. Isakai smiles. "Let's explore that. But what?"
"I don't know," you say.
"Start with Rose. You didn't know her before your parents died, okay. Now you do. You share a roof with her. You're in two after-school clubs together. You see her every day. But you don't even want to call her your cousin. Why not?"
You stare at the ceiling, trying to summon the strength not to be honest, but you can't. "She's a shitty person, if you want to know the truth."
You inwardly wince, thinking Dr. Isakai will chastise you for this, but he just nods. "Okay, there's a start. Why? What makes her shitty?"
"I just-- she's just--" you try to find an articulate way to say it, but there is none. So you settle on this: "she's the worst."
"How is she the worst?"
You start gesticulating with your hands for effect as you explain. "I mean -- imagine a person who's wrong, about everything. Not some things. Not a lot of things. Everything. I have never come away from a conversation with her thinking to myself: you know what, Rose has a good point. Never. As in ever."
"But you joined the Student Council. Despite your hatred for her."
"To humiliate her!" You say. You're standing now. "I did it to beat her. And I won! Because everyone agrees with me. Rose is the worst. The living fucking worst. You know one time, she..."
An hour later, you're pacing back and forth around the room, still talking about Rose:
"...which is when she stapled a list, doctor, an eleven page LIST to my DOOR, of ways I'm perpetuating rape culture. Eleven pages. Front and back. And that's what I woke up to in the morning: Rose fucking Martin Luthering me. What the fuck even IS rape culture? How am I at fault? And so then, when I told her she was being a real b--"
"Alabaster, I'm sorry, but we're out of time today."
"I didn't even tell you the WORST part, though--"
"I understand. I think I'm starting to see the issue here. Why don't you sit down for a moment before you go?"
You compose yourself and sit again.
"Next session we'll start broaching some other topics," Dr. Isakai says, "but here's your homework for this week. I want you to go home with an open mind and consider this for next Saturday. Don't say yes or no to it immediately - think about it, mull it over, give it some real consideration."
"What is it?" You say. "Is it a way to defeat Rose for good? You agree with me, right? That she's the worst. Right?"
Dr. Isakai crosses his legs, ankle on knee. "I want you to consider that you're in love with your cousin," he says.
"What."
"It's not uncommon, and it's not wrong. You're trying to push her away because you're afraid of the incest taboo, but you're both adolescents, and you met as strangers, more or less - you can't help your attraction. It's perfectly normal, perfectly healthy..."
"That's sick. You're a real-- no. No. You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you? I HATE Rose. That's the opposite of love. They taught you that in school, right? You can understand at least that much."
"Please, Alabaster, do consider it. If we can't find a healthy outlet for you to--"
You stand, fuming. "This is ridiculous. I open up to you, and you come back with this shit? That I'm love with satan's living avatar on Earth? I'm done with this session. You're the dumbest quack I've ever met..."
You storm out, grumbling the entire way down the hall and to Saul Mallory's waiting BMW.