You and Rose settle in on the loveseat in the study as Vivian dims the lights and gets the projector fired up. A powerpoint splashes upon the canvas screen. The title slide reads:
>Intimacy Trade Deficit in the Nail House: Reanalysis of Trend Data
>(by Vivian Darkbloom)
"What is th--" Rose begins, but Vivian cuts her off. Clicker in hand, pacing back and forth in front of the loveseat with tented fingers like a presenter at a TED Talk, Vivian announces: "You and Rose are having too much sex."
Rose exhales hard through her nostrils. "That's the 'matter of vital importance' you needed to see us about? This is ridiculous. I have better ways to use my time." She stands -- but all of a sudden she's on her butt again. From the shadows, Whitney has popped up behind you. She loops her arms under Rose's armpits, and wrenches her back to a sitting position. Rose shouts indignantly. Whitney silences her with a piece of duct tape, seemingly prepared in advance, that she peels away from the side of the loveseat and slaps across her mouth. Rose struggles and writhes, but she's no match for Whitney subduing her.
"There we go," Whitney laughs. "Much better. Now ya might learn something."
"Many thanks," Vivian tells her sister with a curt nod.
Rose's cursing is muffled and unintelligible, but her eyes are begging you to intervene when she looks your way. Instead, you shrug, and motion at Vivian, saying: "I'm listening. Proceed."
"Yes."
She clicks to the next slide. An array of labeled, colored bar charts fills the screen.
"On the week beginning 10/13, you had penetrative vaginal intercourse with Rose 5 times, penetrative anal sex with her once and fellatio 3 times, totaling 9 internal ejaculations. You additionally had an instance of mammary intercourse also resulting in ejaculation. Your total time spent in sexual acts with her was 2 hours, 41 minutes."
Rose is fighting mightily to get free -- shocked and mortified. You're mortified, too: "How do you even know all this? Are you spying on me?"
"Now, if you would turn your attention to figure 2, you can see plainly the disparity. During this same weeklong period, you had vaginal intercourse with me only twice and fellatio only once. While you did have anal sex with me 3 times, exceeding your total with Rose by 2 on this metric; summing all instances in whole (pardon the pun), your total number of internal ejaculations with me was just 6 as compared to Rose's 9. The time you spent with me in sexual acts was a paltry 1 hour, 58 minutes. You also performed zero acts of mammary intercourse with me -- no, no -- silence Alabaster, silence. My breasts are perfectly suitable for use in penile stimulation. You simply are not trying hard enough. I will not brook your excuses."
"I ate you out, too!" You insist, growing defensive. "Doesn't that count for anything?"
Rose pounds the loveseat cushions.
"This is true. But you performed cunnilingus on Rose as well, and did so without reciprocal oral stimulation. When you performed cunnilingus on me, it was an exchange; the so-called 69 position."
"It was reciprocal with Rose, too!" You say. "It wasn't a 69, but it was still an exchange. She did me first, then I did her." When Whitney looks at you strangely, you add: "it's a thing we do. Just -- nevermind."
Vivian goes to another slide. "As you can see, if this pattern of inequity continues, then the annualized semen shortfall projected for fiscal year 2020, assuming a generous interest rate of 13.5% compounded monthly, will be a staggering 2.41 liters."
"--There's an interest rate on semen?"
She responds immediately: "Yes. This trade deficit is unacceptable, Alabaster. While homosexual acts with Amber et al can help bridge the gap, in the end they simply cannot substitute for ejaculative coitus. Smaller deficits have felled entire nations."
"Oh, fuck off. How can a lack of jizz destroy a country?"
"All of the relevant data can be found in my 'works cited' page, if you like. But I ask that you please hold your questions for the end. You are derailing an otherwise fruitful presentation."
"I think we've seen enough, Viv," Whitney tells her. She cranes her neck to peer down at you: "What are you gonna do about this, Ally?"
"What -- am I supposed to keep track of who I fuck and when?"
"Yes," Vivian says.
You huff.
She steps closer to you -- at the same time, she pulls her blouse off, revealing her flat, bare, pale chest. Rose's angry eyes follow her; so do Whitney's hungry eyes.
She lays her delicate fingers on your chin; you awkwardly clear your throat. "I am bringing an issue of unequal attention, to your attention," she says. "That is the crux of the matter at hand. How you choose to rectify that is for you to decide." She kicks off her skirt now, too. "Will you... rectify this issue, Alabaster?"
It's gonna be one of those nights.